Fore and Four
by Capt. Janeway
Summary: What would happen if everybody wanted to get together for a nice game of golf?
1. Default Chapter Title

"Fore and Four (Part I),"  
by Capt. Janeway  
  
SUMMARY: What would happen if everybody wanted to get together for a nice game of  
golf?  
  
RATING: G  
  
DISCLAIMER: Roses are red; violets are blue; not a whole lot in this fanfic belongs to me that  
includes X-Files, too.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanx to Sicily, who is one of the bravest people I know for being my  
friend. LOL I know, Mulder-freaks, I know: The Queen of Doggzoids is back. As Sicily might say  
if she weren't a Mulder-freak, Deal with it. LOL  
  
FEEDBACK: Yep! Sure! Go ahead! You may either review (preferred by yourtruly), or you may  
contact me at frenchkitty1@excite.com . (My "janeway"  
address has been having a nasty temper lately . . . and they thought artificial intelligence would be a  
good thing!) Easy on the flames, please! Thanx!! :)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Outside the clubhouse of a beautiful golf course somewhere sunny, like Hawaii or  
something. Idunno. Use your imagination: that's the beauty of reading. We see Special Agents John  
DOGGETT and Dana SCULLY standing around, trying desperately to pass the time. SCULLY is  
studying various items displayed in the window of the pro shop, while DOGGETT casually punches  
buttons on his Nokia cell phone. SCULLY soon finds her activity a little too dull for her taste, so she  
stares at the toe of her shoe for a while. DOGGETT is now very absorbed with whatever he's doing  
with his cell phone. SCULLY looks at him, but he doesn't notice. DOGGETT is now frantically  
pressing buttons on his cell phone, accompanied by the occasional cheer of great victory or cry of  
humiliating defeat. SCULLY's curiosity gets the best of her:)  
  
SCULLY: What are you doing, Agent Doggett?  
  
DOGGETT (very taken with his cell phone): Mmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
SCULLY: Agent Doggett?  
  
DOGGETT (his eyes suddenly lighting up with delight): Mmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
SCULLY (getting impatient): Agent Doggett?!  
  
DOGGETT (his delight now turning to disappointment): Mmmmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
SCULLY (clears her throat, then): AGENT DOGGETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
DOGGETT (suddenly snapping his attention away from the cell phone): Huh! Wha--?  
  
SCULLY: Agent Doggett, WHAT are you doing?!  
  
DOGGETT: What do you mean?  
  
SCULLY (rolling her eyes): Your cell phone, Agent Doggett . . . What is so incredibly  
fascinating about your cell phone?  
  
DOGGETT: Oh! That? It's a game Assistant Director Skinner discovered on his cell phone . .  
. It's called "Snake."  
  
SCULLY: Snake?  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah. You gotta direct the snake toward the little dot without letting it bump into  
the wall or itself. Each time you get to the dot, it moves, and the snake gets longer.  
  
SCULLY: Agent Doggett?  
  
DOGGETT: What is it, Agent Scully?  
  
SCULLY: I can't believe that a grown man such as yourself would participate such a pathetic  
activity to pass the time!!  
  
DOGGETT (not very sure how to respond to that one): Well . . . uh . . .  
  
SCULLY (reaching for DOGGETT's cell phone): Can I try?  
  
DOGGETT (defensively hiding his phone behind his back): Hey! Use your own cell phone!  
  
(SCULLY whips out her cell phone.)  
  
DOGGETT: Okay, you press this big button here (he shows her the button using his cell phone)  
. . . and then you keep scrolling through until you get to "Games." You press the button again, select  
"Snake," and press the button again.  
  
SCULLY: How do I control the snake?  
  
DOGGETT: You press these buttons. (he shows her)  
  
SCULLY: Oh! I see!  
  
(SCULLY and DOGGETT both quickly become completely absorbed with their cell phones,  
frantically pressing buttons. A few cars go by, but they don't notice. Finally, a car parks nearby, and  
Assistant Director SKINNER gets out. He walks up to SCULLY and DOGGETT, who are  
completely oblivious to his presence:)  
  
SKINNER: Hey! Sorry I'm late . . . (realizing he doesn't have their attention) Uh, Agents?  
  
SCULLY & DOGGETT: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
SKINNER: Agents?  
  
SCULLY & DOGGETT: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
SKINNER: AGENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
DOGGETT: Huh?! Wha ?!  
  
SCULLY (surprised): Sir?! Please don't sneak up on us like that!!  
  
SKINNER (defensively): But I didn't . . . (giving up) Oh, never mind. You two playing  
"Snake"?  
  
DOGGETT: Yep.  
  
SCULLY: Nifty little game.  
  
SKINNER: Yeah.  
  
DOGGETT: Do you know where everybody else is?  
  
SKINNER: No.  
  
SCULLY: I wonder why they're so late . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: A freeway. We see two cars, one that contains MARITA, KRYCEK, and the  
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, and another that contains the Lone Gunmen. The camera focuses  
on the car with MARITA, KRYCEK, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN in it. KRYCEK is  
driving, MARITA is in the front passenger seat, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is sitting in  
the backseat behind MARITA.)  
  
MARITA (pointing to the Lone Gunmen's car): Alex! Watch out for that car!! (they pass the  
Lone Gunmen's car) You're speeding again, Alex!!  
  
KRYCEK (rolling his eyes): I think I know how to drive, Marita.  
  
CSM: Do you, Alex? Do you really?  
  
(MARITA and KRYCEK roll their eyes. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN lights a  
Morley.)  
  
MARITA (turning to CSM): Could you please not smoke in here? Alex doesn't need his brain  
deprived of oxygen on top of being a terrible driver . . .  
  
KRYCEK (defensively): Hey!! I'm a good driver!!  
  
MARITA (pointing to a huge oil tanker truck): Watch out!!  
  
KRYCEK: Will you please shut-up, Marita?! I'm not sixteen!! I can drive!! Sheesh!!   
  
MARITA (shouting): That's IT!! I can't stand it anymore, Alex!! Pull over!! I'm driving!!  
  
KRYCEK (sarcastically): Oh, yes, of course, Your Highness. How stupid of me to think that  
just because I've got a driver's licence I can drive.  
  
CSM: Do you have a licence, Alex? Do you really?  
  
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!  
  
(The camera backs away from KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING  
MAN's car, and now focuses on the Lone Gunmen's car. BYERS is driving; LANGLY and  
FROHIKE are in the backseats, getting on BYERS's nerves:)  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!  
  
BYERS (clearly annoyed): No!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!  
  
BYERS: No!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!  
  
BYERS: No!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!  
  
BYERS: No!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!  
  
BYERS: No!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!  
  
BYERS: No!!  
  
(The camera pulls away from the Lone Gunmen, and focuses back on KRYCEK, MARITA,  
and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, whose car is now swerving violently. We see that  
MARITA and KRYCEK are fighting for the wheel of the car:)  
  
MARITA: Pull over!!!  
  
KRYCEK: No!! You pull over first!!  
  
MARITA: You dummy!! I can't pull over unless I'm driving the stupid car!!! You pull over!!  
  
KRYCEK: No!! You pull over!!  
  
CSM: Do you really want her to pull over, Alex? Do you really?  
  
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!  
  
KRYCEK: You pull over!!  
  
MARITA: You pull over!!  
  
KRYCEK: I'm not pulling over unless you're pulling over!!  
  
MARITA: Same here!!  
  
KRYCEK: Oh yeah?!?!  
  
MARITA: Yeah!!!!  
  
KRYCEK: Oh yeah?!?!?!  
  
MARITA: Yeah!!  
  
KRYCEK (suddenly losing his train of thought): Uhhhh . . . Marita?  
  
MARITA (still irate): What is it?!?!  
  
KRYCEK: What're we fighting about?  
  
MARITA: Ummmm . . . Idunno. I forgot.  
  
KRYCEK: Well, whatever it was, it couldn't have been that important.  
  
MARITA: Yeah.  
  
KRYCEK: Mmmmm . . . I love you, Marita.  
  
MARITA: Oh, Alex . . . I love you too.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Back at the golf course. SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER are all playing  
"Snake," frantically pressing buttons on their cell phones. Suddenly, a CLUBHOUSE GUY comes out  
of the clubhouse:)  
  
CG: Hey! Your tee time is in five minutes!!  
  
DOGGETT, SCULLY, & SKINNER: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
CG: Guys?  
  
DOGGETT, SCULLY, & SKINNER: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
CG: HEY, GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
DOGGETT: Huh?! Wha--?  
  
SCULLY & SKINNER: Don't scare us like that!!!!!  
  
CG: Sheesh! Sorry! Anyways, your tee time is in five minutes . . . You might wanna get your  
bags and everything together.  
  
SCULLY: I wonder why Krycek and Marita and the Cigarette-Smoking Man and the Lone  
Gunmen aren't here yet . . . Well, if they're not here by our tee time, we'll just have to play without  
them, I guess.  
  
CG: Okay, but we're gonna put another person in your group to make a foursome. That okay  
with all of you?  
  
DOGGETT (staring wistfully at his cell phone): Yeah, sure, whatever.  
  
SCULLY: Fine by me!  
  
SKINNER: You know, I've really got a problem with that because   
  
SCULLY (cutting SKINNER off): Sorry, sir. Majority rules.  
  
SKINNER (rolling his eyes): Yeah, sure, whatever.  
  
CG: Okay, then! Just lemme let your new friend know who he's playing with . . .   
  
(CLUBHOUSE GUY runs back into the clubhouse.)  
  
DOGGETT: Looks like you're outnumbered today, Agent Scully.  
  
SCULLY: Yeah. If Marita could've made it, it wouldn't be so bad . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: The car containing our three favorite members of the Conspiracy. The car is now very  
hazy inside, due to the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN's cigarettes. MARITA and KRYCEK are  
coughing as though they had the Plague, but our smoking friend continues to nervously puff away at his  
cigarettes.)  
  
MARITA (to CSM): That's it!! (cough!) I don't care what you say!! (cough!! cough!!) I'm rolling  
down (cough!) my window!! (cough!! cough!!)  
  
CSM: Do you want to roll down your window, Marita? Do you really?  
  
MARITA (as she rolls down her window): Just shut-up!! (cough!) I thought Alex killed you,  
anyway!!! (cough!! cough!!)  
  
KRYCEK: He was only (cough!) partly dead, Marita. (cough!! cough!!) He wasn't  
completely dead. (cough!! cough!! cough!!)  
  
MARITA: One of those (cough!) "Princess Bride" things?  
  
CSM: Do you think I was only partly dead? Do you really?  
  
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!  
  
CSM: Do you want me to shut-up? Do you really?  
  
KRYCEK: That's IT!!! (KRYCEK pulls over) You're getting out!!  
  
CSM: Do you want me to get out? Do you really?  
  
(KRYCEK gets out, walks around the back of the car to the door by the  
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, opens the door, tears the seatbelt off of the  
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, and throws him out of the car. KRYCEK slams the door, walks  
back around the car, and he gets back into the driver's seat. KRYCEK starts the car and speeds  
away.)  
  
CSM (shouting desperately): You don't want to leave me here like this!! You really don't!!  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
(Setting: The Lone Gunmen's car. LANGLY and FROHIKE are still driving poor BYERS  
insane:)   
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (singing loudly): . . . B-I-N-G-O!!! B-I-N-G-O!!! B-I-N-G-O!!!   
And Bingo was his name-oh!!!  
  
BYERS (through clenched teeth): Shut-up!!!!  
  
LANGLY: Let's sing it . . . one . . . more . . . tiiiiiiiiiiime!!!!  
  
FROHIKE: Yeah!!  
  
BYERS (screaming with horror): Nooooooooo!!!!!!!  
  
FROHIKE: Awwww . . . C'mon, Byers!  
  
LANGLY: Three's a crowd . . .   
  
BYERS: Absolutely not!!  
  
FROHIKE (trying to coax BYERS): Y'know, I found out about this really neat little gizmo the  
other day when I hacked into the CIA's database . . .  
  
BYERS (deadpan): I'm not singing, guys.  
  
LANGLY: Suit yourself!   
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (singing loudly): Theeeeeeere . . . was a farmer who had a dog and  
Bingo was his name-oh . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
(Setting: MARITA and KRYCEK's car. MARITA is now driving, much to the disappointment  
of KRYCEK.)  
  
MARITA: Alex, look: You can't always have control of everything. Some people are better  
drivers than others, just as some people are better at handling the Conspiracy than others. You just  
have to learn to accept the fact that you're a lousy driver, and that my driving skills are far superior to  
yours.  
  
(KRYCEK mutters something under his breath.)  
  
MARITA: What was that?  
  
KRYCEK: Nothing.  
  
MARITA: Alex, you did say something. It's impossible to say nothing.  
  
KRYCEK: No, it's not impossible to say nothing.  
  
MARITA (sarcastically): Really?  
  
KRYCEK: Really. "Nothing." There! I said nothing.  
  
MARITA (confused): But you did say something!!  
  
KRYCEK: No, I said nothing.  
  
MARITA (threatening): You did say something, because nothing is something!!  
  
KRYCEK: I said nothing!!!  
  
MARITA: Liar!!  
  
KRYCEK: No, you're a liar!!  
  
MARITA: Liar, liar!! Pants on fire!!  
  
KRYCEK: Same to you!!  
  
(We continue to hear MARITA and KRYCEK bicker as the scene closes.)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: At the first tee of the golf course. We see SKINNER, DOGGETT, and SCULLY  
approaching the tee box, all bearing golf bags stuffed to the brim with golf clubs. DOGGETT and  
SCULLY, unaccustomed to the spikes on their golf shoes, are having difficulties keeping up with  
SKINNER, who stops every once in a while to impatiently wait for them to catch up. Eventually, they  
get to the tee box, and wait for their "new friend":)  
  
DOGGETT: I wonder who's going to be playing with us.  
  
SKINNER: Idunno . . .   
  
SCULLY: Hopefully somebody who doesn't have access to my apartment, office, or any other  
place in which I value my privacy . . .  
  
DOGGETT: Hopefully somebody who doesn't have mysterious visions . . .  
  
SKINNER: Hopefully somebody who doesn't smoke cigarettes . . .   
  
(And suddenly, right behind them, their "new" golfing buddy reveals his identity:)  
  
MULDER: Hey, guys!  
  
SCULLY (her eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Mulder?! Is it really you?!?!?!  
  
MULDER: Scully?!  
  
SKINNER: I don't believe it!  
  
DOGGETT (angrily kicking his golf bag): Crud!! I guess just because you're in the opening  
credits doesn't mean Chris Carter can't fire you after barely one measly season after all!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder?!  
  
MULDER: Scully?!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!  
  
MULDER: Scully!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!  
  
MULDER: Scully!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
SKINNER: Uhhh . . . Mulder, Scully? . . .   
  
MULDER (continuing): Scully!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
SKINNER: Hey, AGENTS!!!!!! There are two other people here, you know!!  
  
MULDER (snapping out of it): Huh?! Oh! Well . . . uh, I guess . . . It's, uh, great to see you,   
Scul--everybody!! Hey (indicating DOGGETT), who's this guy?  
  
DOGGETT: Who, me? Oh, don't mind me . . . I'm just another main character that'll be  
killed-off eventually . . . (mournfully) It's only a matter of time now . . .   
  
MULDER: Oh. Okay. Well, I'm going to golf with you all today . . . the aliens let me out of  
the UFO for a breather. Hooo, boy!! Did I ever need it!! Do you have any idea how tight of a  
squeeze it is in that thing?!  
  
SCULLY (worried): Mulder, what did they do to you in the UFO?!  
  
MULDER: Well, there's this guy named Chris Carter who works me to death . . . Oops!! Wait  
. . . Lemme start over. Okay, there are all these alien bounty hunters who do nothing all day except  
stretch my face all out with this weird machine . . .   
  
DOGGETT (wallowing in self-pity): Oh! Woe is me, woe is me!!  
  
MULDER (annoyed): Do you mind?! I'm trying to come-up with a heart-wrenching story to  
impress Scully here!!  
  
DOGGETT: Hey!! It's only a matter of time before Chris Carter has me killed-off now that  
you're back. The least you can do is allow me to wallow in my own self-pity . . . It's not like YOU'RE  
the one who's going to be killed-off!!  
  
MULDER: That's because there would be riots in the streets of Los Angeles if Chris Carter  
allowed that!! You're just the stupid new guy!! Nobody will care!!  
  
DOGGETT: Agent Scully!! Do something!!  
  
SCULLY: Ummm . . . I really don't think I should be taking sides in this . . .   
  
MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll bet you've got a Titleist putter!!  
  
DOGGETT: I'll bet YOU'VE got a Ping putter!!  
  
MULDER: I do not!!  
  
DOGGETT: Do too!!  
  
MULDER: Do not!!  
  
DOGGETT: Do too!!  
  
MULDER: Do not!!  
  
DOGGETT: Do too!!  
  
MULDER (pulling the driver out of his golf bag): All right, you asked for it!!  
  
SCULLY (annoyed): Mulder, don't. He's just the new guy. Give him a break.  
  
DOGGETT (warning her as he pulls out his driver): Stay out of this, Agent Scully!!  
  
(DOGGETT and MULDER are now brandishing their drivers, with the heads up in the air as  
each wants to whap his opponent on the head with scowls on their faces. SCULLY rolls her eyes,  
and pulls out her cell phone to play "Snake"; SKINNER has been playing "Snake," and continues to do  
so. MULDER takes a swing at DOGGETT with his driver, but misses. DOGGETT grabs the head of  
the driver and yanks on it, making MULDER loose his balance and fall to the ground. DOGGETT  
ominously raises his driver in the air over MULDER, preparing to take a swing at him, but MULDER  
manages to reach his own driver at the last minute. MULDER swings the driver and hits DOGGETT  
right between the eyes. DOGGETT falls to the ground, unconscious. MULDER jumps up and down  
waving his driver shouting "I won!! I won!! I won!!" SCULLY rolls her eyes:)  
  
SCULLY: Are you two done?  
  
MULDER (still overjoyed about his victory): I won, Scully!! I WON!!   
IWONIWONIWONIWONIWON!!  
  
SCULLY (focusing her attention back onto "Snake"): Yes, Mulder. You won. That's great.   
Whoop-de-doo. Yee-haw. I feel great.   
  
MULDER: Scully! I thought you'd be really happy! What's wrong?!  
  
SCULLY: Well, it's not like I couldn't see it coming, Mulder.  
  
MULDER: What?! Why?  
  
SCULLY: There would be riots in the streets of Los Angeles if Agent Doggett had won.  
  
MULDER: Mmmmm . . . good point, Scully.  
  
SCULLY (to SKINNER): Uh, sir . . . if we're going to play some golf, we'd better get going.  
  
SKINNER (in the famous "Snake" trance): Mmmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
SCULLY (clears her throat, then): SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
SKINNER: Huh?! Wha--?  
  
SCULLY: We should probably get going . . .   
  
SKINNER: Oh!! Right. You want to go first, Scully?  
  
SCULLY: Okay.  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
Will Mulder, Scully, and Skinner actually get to play golf today, or will somebody else  
intervene? Will Doggett ever regain consciousness? What will become of the Cigarette-Smoking Man?   
Will Langly and Frohike stop tormenting Byers? And will Krycek and Marita ever quit bickering?  
Please read "Fore and Four (Part II)" to find out!! :)   
  
Don't forget: I love reviews!! ;) Thanx!! 


	2. Default Chapter Title

"Fore and Four (Part II),"  
by Capt. Janeway  
  
SUMMARY: Part II of "Fore and Four" . . . The Cigarette-Smoking Man dies (again!),  
Skinner has an encounter with exploding golf balls, Doggett helps me with my writer's block, and lots  
more . . .  
  
RATING: G  
  
DISCLAIMER: See Disclaimer used in Part I.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please read Part I first!! :)  
  
FEEDBACK: Same as Part I. Thanx!!! ;)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
Previously on the X-Files . . .   
  
+ Mulder, Scully, and Skinner were about to start their golf game without  
Krycek, Marita, the Cigarette-Smoking Man, and the Lone Gunmen as they were very late  
  
+ Agent Doggett was left unconscious at the first tee after Mulder clobbered him with his  
driver  
  
+ The Cigarette-Smoking Man was abandoned by Marita and Krycek on the side of a  
freeway  
  
+ Langly and Frohike were driving Byers insane  
  
+ Krycek and Marita were bickering over whether nothing is something  
  
And now, the conclusion . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: The Lone Gunmen's car. They are almost at the golf course, much to BYER's relief.   
LANGLY and FROHIKE are now playing "Twenty Questions":)  
  
FROHIKE: Is it a person?  
  
LANGLY: Yes.  
  
FROHIKE: Is it a person I like?  
  
LANGLY (laughing): Oh, yeah!!  
  
FROHIKE: I'm assuming the person is female, then . . .   
  
LANGLY: Is that a question?  
  
FROHIKE: No!! Of course not!!  
  
LANGLY: You idiot!! Of course it was!! That's three questions!!  
  
FROHIKE: Well, why'd you ask me?!  
  
LANGLY (ignoring FROHIKE's question): You've used three questions!!  
  
FROHIKE: Have not!!  
  
LANGLY: Have too!!  
  
BYERS: Guys, cut it out!!  
  
LANGLY (grudgingly): All right. Fine. It doesn't count.  
  
FROHIKE: Okay . . . ummm . . . what color is her hair?  
  
LANGLY: You can only ask "Yes or No" questions!!  
  
FROHIKE: All right, all right . . . sheesh!! Does she have blonde hair?  
  
LANGLY: No.  
  
FROHIKE: Is she a brunette?  
  
LANGLY: No.  
  
FROHIKE: Does she have blue hair?  
  
LANGLY: No.  
  
FROHIKE (muttering under his breath): Darn!! That would have made it so much easier!!  
  
LANGLY: You've used five questions.  
  
FROHIKE: Is she a redhead?  
  
LANGLY: Uh . . . lemme see . . . yes.  
  
FROHIKE: Well, that narrows it down to thirteen.  
  
BYERS (surprised): Thirteen?!  
  
FROHIKE: Yup. Ummm . . . is it what's-her-face . . . uhhh . . . the actress . . .   
  
BYERS: Lucille Ball?  
  
FROHIKE: No!!  
  
LANGLY: Is it that Gillian Anderson?  
  
FROHIKE: Yeah!! That's her name!!   
  
LANGLY: That's not who I've got in mind. You've used six questions.  
  
FROHIKE: Darn. You know, she's got a striking resemblance to Scully . . . Is it Scully?  
  
LANGLY (defeated): Yeah.  
  
FROHIKE: Ha!! I won!!! (to LANGLY) Looooooser!! You're a loooooser!!  
  
LANGLY: Shut-up!!  
  
FROHIKE (ignoring LANGLY's protest): Loooooooooooooo-seeeeerrrrrrrrrr!!!!  
  
LANGLY: Byers!! Make him stop!!  
  
BYERS (annoyed): Frohike, don't be a sore winner. Langly, don't be a sore loser.  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (like toddlers who have just been scolded): Okay.  
  
BYERS: Besides, we're almost there.  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Alright!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: MARITA and KRYCEK's car. They're still fighting:)  
  
MARITA: . . . But nothing HAS to be SOMETHING, because when you say nothing, you're  
saying something!!  
  
KRYCEK (vehemently): I said nothing!!  
  
MARITA: Nothing is something!!  
  
KRYCEK: Is not!!  
  
MARITA: Is too!!  
  
KRYCEK: Is not!!  
  
MARITA: Is too!!  
  
KRYCEK (suddenly losing his train of thought): Uhhh . . . Marita?  
  
MARITA: What?!  
  
KRYCEK: What're we fighting about?  
  
MARITA: Ummmm . . . Idunno. I forgot.  
  
KRYCEK: Mmmmm . . . couldn't have been that important.  
  
MARITA: Yeah.  
  
KRYCEK: Marita?  
  
MARITA: Yes, Alex?  
  
KRYCEK: I love you.  
  
MARITA: Oh, Alex! I love you too!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: The side of a freeway. We see the Cigarette-Smoking Man dying a very slow, painful,  
and satisfying death under the intense heat of the sun as cars pass by:)  
  
CSM (imitating the Wicked Witch of the West from the "Wizard of Oz"): Help!! I'm melting!!   
Eeeeeeeek!!! I'm MEEEELLLLLTIIIIIIINNNG!!!!!!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: The first tee. MULDER and SKINNER are standing together to the right, while on  
the left side of the camera, SCULLY is preparing take a swing. DOGGETT is still unconscious on the  
cart path behind the tee box. SCULLY swings, then goes back to MULDER and SKINNER.   
MULDER goes to the tee box and starts preparing to swing, while SCULLY and SKINNER play  
Snake. MULDER swings, then goes back to SCULLY and SKINNER. SKINNER now goes to the  
tee box, while MULDER and SCULLY suddenly have an eruption of stifled laughs when SCULLY  
whispers to MULDER:)  
  
SCULLY: I replaced all his golf balls with those fake golf balls that explode!  
  
MULDER (whispering with surprise): Scully!! That's not like you!  
  
SCULLY (giggling): I know!! I just felt kinda weird today, so I did it!!  
  
(SKINNER takes a swing at his ball, which, of course, explodes the moment the club head hits  
it. MULDER and SCULLY laugh uncontrollably as SKINNER tries to figure out what happened to  
the ball. Eventually, SKINNER goes back to his golf bag and gets out another ball. He swings at it,  
and it naturally explodes, causing MULDER and SCULLY to laugh even more. SKINNER still can't  
understand why his golf balls are exploding, so he gets out another golf ball, swings, and the golf ball  
explodes. MULDER and SCULLY are now laughing so hard that they look like they're crying from  
our perspective.)  
  
SKINNER (disappointed): Ummmm . . . Look, Agents. I think you two had better go on  
without me . . . I bought some really cheap golf balls, and they keep exploding. I don't think I'll be able  
to play. Sorry.  
  
MULDER (trying very hard to hold back a deluge of laughter): That's . . . uh . . . heh that's  
okay, sir . . . we'll manage.  
  
SKINNER: Okay. Have a good game.  
  
(SKINNER walks away to the parking lot. MULDER and SCULLY laugh very hard as they  
walk away, presumably toward their balls. Poor Agent DOGGETT is still unconscious, but they pay  
no attention to him . . . so cruel . . . so cold-hearted and unsympathetic to his plight . . . Oh, man!! I  
gotta do something about this!!!. Suddenly, the author of this fanfic, Capt. JANEWAY, appears out  
of nowhere:)  
  
JANEWAY: Agent Doggett!!  
  
(DOGGETT doesn't respond.)  
  
JANEWAY: Agent Doggett, wake up!!  
  
(Suddenly, DOGGETT's right hand gives a little twitch.)  
  
JANEWAY (muttering to herself): Well, that's a good sign, I guess . . . HEY DOGGETT!!!  
  
(DOGGETT slowly starts to wake up.)  
  
DOGGETT: Wha ?! Where am I?  
  
JANEWAY: You're at the first tee of a golf course somewhere sunny.  
  
DOGGETT: Am I am I dead?  
  
JANEWAY: No . . . Lucky for you, I'm the author of this fanfic. I'm a big fan of yours, so I  
won't let you die.  
  
DOGGETT: Okay . . . but if you're the almighty, all-knowing, all-seeing author, why did you let  
Mulder whap me on the head with his driver?  
  
JANEWAY: Because the other fanfic authors would kill me if you had won.  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah, but I wouldn't have this splitting headache!!  
  
JANEWAY: Do you have any idea what the other fanfic authors would do to you if I wasn't  
around to save you?! They'd kill you over and over and over again like I kill the Cigarette-Smoking  
Man in my fics!! I wouldn't be able to protect you if I was dead, now, would I?  
  
DOGGETT: Good point. (there is a pause, then:) Well, what am I supposed to do now?  
  
JANEWAY: Uh-oh . . . ummmm . . . hang on for a minute . . . I'll think of something . . .  
(muttering under her breath) Stupid writer's block!! Ugh!!  
  
(There is a pause, then:)  
  
DOGGETT (doubtfully): Are you sure I'm not dead?  
  
JANEWAY: Very.  
  
DOGGETT: Okay.   
  
(A pause, then:)  
  
DOGGETT: You'd tell me if I was dead, wouldn't you?  
  
JANEWAY: Of course, Agent Doggett.  
  
DOGGETT: Mmmmmm . . . Idunno . . . I think I'm dead.  
  
JANEWAY: You're not dead, Agent Doggett!! I can assure you, you're very alive!! Now be  
quiet so I can think of a way to move the plot in a forward direction!!   
  
DOGGETT: Oh. Okay.   
  
(A pause, then:)  
  
DOGGETT: Ummm . . . Almighty Author Person Ma'am?  
  
JANEWAY: The name's Capt. Janeway.  
  
DOGGETT: Right. Capt. Janeway?  
  
JANEWAY: What?  
  
DOGGETT: How long are you going to take to get a plot together?  
  
JANEWAY: Not too much longer, Agent Doggett, so don't worry.  
  
DOGGETT: I wasn't worried . . . just curious, that's all.  
  
JANEWAY: Well, don't be curious, then.  
  
DOGGETT: Okay.  
  
(Another pause as Capt. JANEWAY continues to try to think about the plot, then:)  
  
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway?  
  
JANEWAY (getting a little annoyed): What?  
  
DOGGETT: You still haven't come up with a plot, right?  
  
JANEWAY: Yeah.  
  
DOGGETT: Well, uh, I've got an idea.  
  
JANEWAY (very interested): An idea?! That's great!! What's your idea?  
  
DOGGETT: Well, maybe, since you're here and all, you and I could go pester Mulder and  
Scully, and maybe you get the Lone Gunmen over here to liven things up.  
  
JANEWAY: That's a great idea, Agent Doggett!! Mmmmm . . . and I'll add just a little to that,  
and I think we've got something!! This'll really save my neck!! Thanks!!  
  
DOGGETT: No problemo.  
  
JANEWAY: We'll have to do a scene change first, though. That okay with you?  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah.  
  
JANEWAY: Okay, hang on . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: The Lone Gunmen's car. The car is just pulling up into the parking lot of the golf  
course. BYERS is still behind the wheel, while LANGLY and FROHIKE continue to play "Twenty  
Questions":)  
  
LANGLY: Is it an animal?  
  
FROHIKE: No.  
  
LANGLY: Is it a person?  
  
FROHIKE: No.  
  
LANGLY: Is it an extraterrestrial?  
  
FROHIKE: Not quite.  
  
LANGLY: Is it an alien-human hybrid?  
  
FROHIKE: Yes.  
  
LANGLY: Is it Cassandra Spender?  
  
FROHIKE: Darn!!  
  
LANGLY: Yeeees!!! I won!! I won!!!  
  
BYERS: Hey, guys, we're here!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Yay!!  
  
LANGLY: I wanna buy some stuff at the pro shop!!  
  
FROHIKE: I wanna get a huge sandwich at the restaurant!!  
  
BYERS: Settle down, guys!! We're only here to play golf.  
  
FROHIKE: Awwww, man . . .   
  
BYERS: With Scully, Doggett, and Skinner.  
  
LANGLY: Agent Doggett's cool . . .  
  
FROHIKE: Yes!! All right!! Scully's gonna be there!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Near where MULDER and SCULLY are playing golf. We see JANEWAY and  
DOGGETT hiding behind some trees. DOGGETT gives a silent count to three, and they both rush out  
from behind the trees, startling MULDER and SCULLY:)  
  
JANEWAY: Pester, pester, pester!!  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!! Pester, pester, pester!!  
  
SCULLY: Eeeeeeeeek!!  
  
MULDER: They're pestering us!!  
  
SCULLY (stumbling over a tree root): Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!! Give me your hand!!  
  
SCULLY (dramatically): No, Mulder!! It's too late for me!! They're going to pester me to  
death!! Save yourself, Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: No, Scully!! I won't leave you behind like that!!  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!!  
  
JANEWAY: Pester, pester, pester!!!  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!!  
  
SCULLY: You're a great agent, Mulder!! Don't do this to yourself!!  
  
MULDER: I can't leave you behind, Scully!! Hang on!!  
  
(MULDER rushes to SCULLY and grabs her arm. He yanks her up to her feet, and they run  
away, with DOGGETT and JANEWAY at their heels:)  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!! Pester!!  
  
JANEWAY: Pester, pester, pester!!  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: KRYCEK & MARITA's car, which is pulled over on the side of the freeway.   
MARITA is getting very traumatized by this whole ordeal:)  
  
MARITA: Alex!! We're out of gas on the side of a freeway in the middle of nowhere!! We're  
going to die!!  
  
KRYCEK (rolling his eyes): We're not going to die, Marita . . . just hang on. I'll call somebody  
from the Call Box. It's just a little ways away . . .   
  
MARITA (ignoring him): We're going to die!!  
  
KRYCEK: Marita, don't worry . . . I'll take care of you.  
  
MARITA: Oh my gosh, really, Alex!! Oh, you're so sweet!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: At the first tee. LANGLY, FROHIKE, and DOGGETT are all hanging around,  
looking very lost:)  
  
LANGLY: Where is everybody?  
  
FROHIKE: They wouldn't have started without us, would they?  
  
BYERS: No . . . It's so uncharacteristic of them to do something like that . . .   
  
LANGLY: Yo, Byers, news flash: This is a fic written by Capt. Janeway. She can make you  
hula-hoop while eating lemon meringue pie and singing "When You Wish Upon A Star" if she wants to.  
  
BYERS: True . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Back with MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and JANEWAY, all still running:)  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!! Pester!! Pester!!  
  
JANEWAY: Pester, pester, pester!!!  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Is this stupid fanfic almost overwith?!  
  
MULDER: I don't know!! Ask Capt. Janeway!! She's the author!!  
  
SCULLY: Hey, Capt. Janeway!!  
  
JANEWAY: What?! Pester, pester!!  
  
SCULLY: Is this stupid fanfic almost overwith?!  
  
JANEWAY: Sure!! Why not?! Pester, pester!!  
  
DOGGETT: Pester!!  
  
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND  
  
Thank you for reading my fic!! Please let me know what you think by reviewing it for me!! Thanx! :)  
  
  
  



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